The Trouble of Time

I have restarted this blog a few times since the first day I ventured into the modern foray of publicized ideas. Usually a restart follows a long period of "not-posting" inspired by a major shift in life, or a daunting absence of coherent thoughts, preventing me from forming worthwhile paragraphs or even sentences.

My last break came with the arrival of our second son; even before Kellan joined our home in the flesh, his impact was felt and I simply could not find time to reflect and write. That carried on long after he was born, and I failed to produce thoughts even when I had committed to doing so for others. In short, the last 8 months or so have been mostly fruitless on the writing front for me.

Happily, I had Facebook in the meantime. Facebook allowed me more leeway than Twitter, due to larger word count, but did not force me to commit to a full article in the tradition of a blog. I could be petulant when I felt like it, pensive, celebratory, etc. Also, people interacted with me and I prefer dialog to talking to myself, which is how I often feel when blogging.

Thus it was that I spent a great deal of free time writing Facebook statuses and arguing with friends about various subjects, and recently I noticed something interesting: I was writing longer and longer thoughts on Facebook, and was less and less satsified with merely throwing out a blurb here and there.

Now, this may or may not matter to most...it may not be greeted with any joy (oh, so, you mean you're going to talk MORE?) and it is possible that the only good thing which may come from picking up blogging again is I spend less time on Facebook...but I am hoping to begin developing complete thoughts once more and working to present them in an interesting, articulate and enjoyable manner..and hopefully I'll get some readers again...but mostly, I'd love to start writing once more, since it's getting harder and harder for me to imagine a world where I get to return to grad school or ever write a paper important people will read. I miss engaging in discussion, and hope that this might fill some of that need.

The trouble, as always, is finding the time. But we strive on, and pray for grace.

Just a Frog With A Musical Show

Songs...dances...shootings...no, no shootings...

While I look for ways to squeeze more blood from stones, I am also getting ready to teach Economics next year in 10th grade...anyone have any suggested reading for said project?

It's been an incredibly busy time of the year. In the last few weeks, I have been attempting to transform my lesson plans into a WASC-ready format (the busiest busy work you've ever had does not compare...at least I am putting in my time this side of death...purgatory will be a breeze), I have been out to and back from Austin Texas, where we went and visited Regents to compare notes and examine a successful model of what we hope to be in 10 years. I could say a lot about this...suffice to say, it was awesome. In the midst of all of this, my classroom-mate and I have been putting on the Jr. High Speech Meet, which culminated this past Friday with a competition down in Lomita.

All good things...just keeping me very busy. Coming soon; trip to Oregon for an old friend's wedding.

Mysterious Providence

It can be hard to find the right words to say when we see a fellow brother or sister in need. We frequently remark that "the Lord works in mysterious ways" whenever we encounter a problem that is too great for our own problem solving techniques. Prayer is offered vaguely, and rarely as real, tangible help, in and of itself.

We have been struggling to find the way to make ends meet recently...I will freely admit we have not been the best stewards of what the Lord has given us, and we are working to try and amend that problem...but the fact remains that our bills have exceeded our income for the last few months. As a result, new problems arise, and then we get even more worried about it.

This week, I was getting so distracted by it that I was having a hard time concentrating on much else in a spare moment. I hadn't checked our mailbox for about two weeks, because I didn't want to see the bills...a "see no evil" sort of thing...

Coincidentally, I also chose this week to start reinserting prayers into our morning routine in class, a practice that got neglected as my tunnel vision for our lesson plans forgot the importance of prayer in the morning. We have been reading from the Book of Common Prayer, and I have been teaching the kids about the value of communal prayer, and lifting each other up. In these prayers, I have actually not prayed for my own concerns (which is somewhat odd, given how much they were stressing me out...perhaps part of the denial tactic...) but have prayed strictly for others.

About mid-week, I suddenly relaxed and decided that I would pay what I could and work out how to take care of the rest as we could. We would cut out all unnecessary spending (eating out, eating gourmet, fun toys for Aiden, new clothes, etc), and do what it took to get out of the hole we had gotten ourselves in. More importantly, we would take up the practice of tithing again, something that has once again gone by the wayside because it was convenient.

I was content with this solution...it wasn't a complete answer, but I could make it work. We would focus on loving each other, and not on satisfying every want and desire with things and money.

I went to the mailbox this morning...facing the music, finally.

After fighting to get my mail out of the box for about 2 minutes (the postman must be a genius...I have no idea how he got it all in there...) I got it home and started sorting.

One imediately caught my attention...in the envelope window it said "Pay to the Order of Christopher Leigh..."

We received a notice a few weeks ago that our house had recently decreased in value from the time that we had purchased it (to roughly exactly what we had paid for it, so that was fine...). I didn't think much of it at the time, but apparently we had paid taxes on the house when its value was higher.

The envelope contained a refund for the extra taxes we had paid, essentially exactly what I have reasoned out that we needed to put ourselves out of the trouble that we had gotten into.

Not saying that every time you have a need you'll get a letter with a windfall (although this has been our experience...), but I do want to point out the overwhelming provision and grace for those that turn to the Lord in their need. I had already received what I consider to be an answer to my problem...I had peace, and a plan, which is what I had so desperately needed. This last is wonderful, and unlooked for...and more than what I had even thought to ask for. The mysterious providence of our Lord really does challenge all of our preconceived notions of the nature of things.

Good Ol' Fashioned Work

I don't envy the Democrats. True, they have the momentum on their side; and many have reflected on the fact that this should be a "Democrat" election year. Their opponent is McCain, a man that Republicans don't exactly love...and the Dems aren't running the stereo-type of an old white man.

Still, Democrat heroes have taken a stance that is difficult to actually rally people around. On at least two issues, Obama has positioned himself in the extreme left wing of his party (something that plays alright in primaries, but can be devastating in national elections). He considers having an unwanted child a punishment, so it is not surprising that he supports partial-birth abortion; and he maintains his claim that going to Iraq was a huge strategic blunder, and intends to draw down our presence there until we have essentially only enough support for our embassy.

Clinton is essentially in the same boat, except that (because of Obama's position on the war) she has to work hard to paint the war as a complete failure, since she originally supported it; her task is to suggest that what she envisioned and voted for was in no way akin to what has become reality. This means suggesting that our troops have failed, and telling the commander of our forces in Iraq that he is essentially lying to our government and our populace when he suggests that the surge has produced results and persistence is required.

The other Dems are, of course, following suit.

What I don't understand is why they are determined to push for an unreasonable result, when there is progress being made. If they hadn't married themselves to the bad idea of proclaiming the work in Iraq a failure before it was really begun, they could engage reasonably in a discussion about how to do it better. But they are now committed to the idea that Iraq is our new Vietnam, and are thus pursuing a course of action which, if it is voted into power in November, will ensure they are self-fulfilling prophets.

If we pull out of Iraq, Iraq will collapse. If we stay the course, Democracy might just survive and thrive in an area that has been opposed to Democracy since...forever.

This concept, of persisting even when a task is difficult, perhaps more difficult than we ever expected it to be, should not be as foreign as it appears to be to our leadership. Without endurance, no great accomplishment is ever achieved.

What Petraeus and Crocker make clear in their report is that the progress which has been made is still growing roots. We did not abandon our work in the midst of the worst turmoil...why should we pack up and go home now that we are finally seeing some fruit from our labor?

I do not envy the Dems...their success depends on convincing the majority of Americans that hard work doesn't pay-off...that great success shouldn't involve great risk. In a time of recession, I suspect more and more Americans will become aware that a real work ethic is invaluable...and is the only hope of producing lasting results.

The Sound of Silence

This has been one of the theme songs for our life over the past few years.

Maybe its because I have now lived in California longer than I have ever lived in one place.

Maybe its because I have been waiting for 3 years to be able to start thinking about my next step, and this is the summer when that happens.

Maybe its because I am planning trips for the future, and wish the future was now.

Maybe its because I suddenly found 60+ friends from the past decade or so on Facebook...my friend total is currently up to 318...these friends range from old neighbors and acquaintances, to childhood best friends, to friends I made in a summer in high school, to college roommates, to mentors and coaches, teammates, work associates, and even a few old "enemies." They have pictures, and lives I know nothing about...but they stir up nostalgia like something crazy within me. This new surge of connections has excited me so much that I am fairly certain that most the people I have had contact with recently believe I must be a facebook addict...I'm really not...I just get really excited about finding old friends!

Maybe its because I had been hoping to be doing one of the things I love next year...and now it looks very like I will have to keep on keeping on where I am at, for at least another year and a half. Thank you California, for spending so much that you are actually laying off teachers, even while complaining of having a teaching shortage!

Maybe I have Restless Leg Syndrome...

Maybe I am just a restless person that needs to learn what peace is.

The bottom line is, I am restless.

I suspect the answer is not to ruminate on the possibilities I am not/cannot partake in at present. Actually, the best solution I have found revolves around less real action. Taking more time to read, more time to find catharsis through writing...more silence.

This is one of the few things that music does NOT help, which is difficult because I really like music...listening to music gets me through my day of data-entry. Still, there is no denying that music is extremely emotional, and each song only conjures more memories, more dreams, more restlessness.

So, I need silence. Now the question is...can I allow myself to have silence?

If it keeps you running

Five years ago, shortly after we were married, I received a medical discharge from my contract with the Army's ROTC program. I had run for about a year on shin splints, not knowing what they were or how to treat them (having never had so much as a sprained ankle until then). By the time I was discharged, I had almost no hair on my legs below the knees, and I regularly lost all feeling in both of my large toes.

I stopped running for about 2 years...which did not help me in fighting the traditional marital weight gain.

And I have been trying to get to a healthy weight to start running for three years, off and on. Sometimes it hasn't been practical, sometimes I have done really well. About two years ago, I managed to lose about 17 lbs, and was getting close to being able to run almost three miles. Then stuff happened, and life changed, and that stopped.

Now we're headed back towards doing stuff outside, and I am determined to get back in shape. I was avoiding the inevitable for a week, hoping to reach a personal goal before getting to buy new shoes; I have been running on the same shoes that gave me shin splints five years ago. I was hoping to reach my goal early this week, and buy new shoes right after...but in the meantime, I ran (mostly) three miles with some friends on Sunday night.

Monday morning...the old familiar pain was there, shooting up and down my shins while I walked around my office.

Sigh. Sometimes being a physical being isn't all its cracked up to be.

I have bought new shoes (a gross luxury...but a reality if I ever want to run again) at the insistance of my wife, who is entirely too good to me.

I am also icing my legs nightly.

And I am hoping to make a much slower, but no less determined return to running this weekend. I have a goal, which I might share a little later, if it looks like it is a real possibility.

But the last few days have been...ouchie...

The High Country

This is a momentous Spring.

This is the Spring my wife graduates from Biola, with her BSN.

This is the Spring our life changes…again.

And I have resolved that this is the Spring we begin to live as people not perpetually striving to gain degrees. Oh, I do still hope to proceed (soon) towards getting the next level of my education…but it is well past time to do something other than exist while we try to survive the trench warfare that is the Undergraduate years, while being married and parents.

This Spring, we will begin hiking to the high places of SoCal. Old Baldy. San Gorgonio. 7 Falls. Half Dome. Eventually, I hope to include Mt Whitney & the Grand Canyon in our list…but we may have missed the window this year, as there are not enough passes for all the people that want to make the trek.

April 5th is the first step. As part of a training course, we’re doing El Moro Canyon; just short of 7 miles, no real altitude, but a good stretch of the legs. We have about 10 people that have decided to take on this endeavor together, and I am putting the calendar together. It’s very exciting!

My first inclination is to go buy new equipment…having no money makes fighting this impulse easier…

Unforseen Gifts

As is readily apparent if you have bothered to visit my miserably starved blog over the past...year?, you are aware of the lack of posting that has been going on here. I believe the tally of posts for all of 2007 was something like 37. 37! The blogosphere would laugh at me...if they knew or cared that my pathetic blog existed, which they might if I ever posted.

Still, I haven't had many choices. I have two jobs, a very busy wife just five months away from finally achieving her nursing degree and a three year old son. More than that...I still have dial-up Internet access. Yes, I know...the United States doesn't condone torture...but we are allowed to do what we like in the privacy of our own homes. Dial-up...and sadistic dial-up at that. Its a miracle I check e-mail at all...most of the time it will connect long enough for me to launch the program of choice and then disconnect once more. Somewhere there's an administrator laughing at my attempts to connect with the Web...but, its free. So, what can you do?

I have probably mentioned all of these things in a sad attempt to excuse my lack of posts, correspondence, etc with the Internet. But today is different.

You see, today...today, I am serving Jury Duty.

I know you're wondering, "How are you on the computer while serving Jury Duty?" Well, the reason is simple and wonderful...I am stuck in a room with nothing to do all day until they figure out if I am going to have to serve or not. And it just so happens, they have computers with Internet access for the duration of our wait. So, I have spent the $12 for full day access and now, though I wouldn't have imagined it, I actually get to blog without a concern in the world...until they call me to serve. Who'd have thunk it?

Update in Brief...

I am working at ECCU. I am working at Starbucks. Sheri's in school. We're busy. We're poor. We're happy. Aiden turns three in 10 days. He's amazing. I have decided what I want to focus on in my MA...if you want to know, e-mail me. Now I get to start studying for the GRE's and applying to schools. Life is good. God is God. I just wish I could blog once and a while...

Dear Blog

I miss you. I miss being able to think and write. Currently, I am working...but you're not forgotten. I'll get back...get back...get back to where you once belonged...

Nostalgia

So I entered the world of Facebook over the weekend.

Its been interesting...I have been made a Zombie by a friend from middle school...I have poked friends that I can poke in real life on a regular basis...who knew that all this and more was just waiting on the interweb...my wife laughs at me, and then performs the obligatory eye-roll-groan and tells me I'd better not spend too much time on this new distraction. As if I spend too much time on this poor blog of mine...

There was a moment, when I was asking everyone I found to confirm me as their friend, that it occurred to me how sad it would be if I was rejected. Who gets rejected by even an acquaintance when they request to be confirmed as your friend on something as trivial as Facebook? This thought urged on a real, albeit momentary, panic...

"I will be the first person everyone denies knowing. My friends have 500 friends...but I am not one of them...*You've been confirmed as X's friend*...YES!!! I have friends!!! I am officially cool--I bet other people had to wait for hours, even days, for their friends to confirm them, but my friends, they accept me instantly, even the ones that haven't seen or talked to me in 7 years...I'm accepted, important...cool."

I need more sleep, obviously.

The other odd thing I experienced was a major wave of nostalgia. I suppose its to be expected...in the last 24 hours I got back in touch, so to speak, with people that knew me when I was 11. They knew me before I was a teenager. I am now 25, have been married for 4 years, and have a son that is about to turn 3. Not only have they known me since before life began, somehow almost none of those people remain near to me...which is, honestly, a difficult thing. One of the greatest blessings of marrying the love of my life is that she "knew me back when..." She remains one of the few touchstones I have to 18 years of life that hold no permanence in this world.

This sounds rather dramatic. Sorry...a friend just gave me a Michael Buble album, with the song "Home" on it...and its probably not helping me avoid the dramatic presently.

So, I was reflecting on my lack of having a home, and started wanting to travel. Which struck me as the oddest of all possible desires when one is wishing for a non-existant home...until it occured to me that this has always been my response when this desire rears up inside me. And I think that the reason this is so has something to do with the ideas Chesterton mentioned in Orthodoxy; the concept of a familiar adventure, the practical romance. See Chesterton identified the need within us to be at once at home and yet to feel the thrill of adventure. Well for me, I think in some ways, the only way I feel at home is when I am moving, traveling, or am somewhere else waiting to get to where I am going. In fact, once I leave, I can begin to miss the place I was, or await the arrival at where I am going...which is as close to being at home as I get, in some ways.

So...now I have to figure out how to travel...preferably to somewhere with good friends...

Ah, work.

So...I started work today. A 12 hour day for my first day on the lot...my feet are killing me.

There are many things that happened today to make me both laugh and cringe (both mostly on the inside). There was a customer who had a social security card belonging to a deceased person. And there was the fact that my general sales manager mentioned that I was a priority employee who they wanted to see succeed...because I'm white, and I make the third white person working on the lot. That was an experience I didn't think I'd have...ever.

But so far...no cars sold. I know--its only been one day. I'm not discouraged. Tired, but not discouraged. I am learning more about Toyota's than I ever thought possible. It is a comfort to be selling a good product.

I am currently relaxing, waiting for my dinner to finish cooking...watching Envy, a fantastic movie for those of us thinking about money and work a lot. Its not a bad night.

Doooode...I gots a job.

So...it took a Summer to find the right job to fill a very specific need...and the honest truth is, we are sort of jumping and hoping that all it promises it might be it in fact will be...but as of my first interview this morning I was offered a job at the number 1 Toyota dealer in the O.C., and after two more interviews, I decided that that was the position for me.

So...anyone need to buy a car? New or used, I got what you need. The great thing, especially if I can make it work for us, is that I'll be making a living helping people avoid feeling the awful stress of buying a car from someone they fear is only trying to milk them for every cent he can get from them.

My only problem is (and its a silly problem in a way) I have hard time anytime I start doing a job whose overall goal is generally to make a good living. I feel as if my life has lost purpose, as if I have instantly become a suit who is living for the next new thing he can buy. Of course...that's not an accurate summation of the situation. I am providing for my family...and as I said, I can do my job to help others, rather than use them. But every now and then, I have to remind myself of that important reality...because I can lose steam quickly if I forget that a job that earns money isn't a bad thing.

The other problem is...as I will be working weekends (and especially as Labor Day weekend should be a great time to start a career in sales)...I will probably have to miss, if not all, at least large chunks of one of my favorite events of the year...the aforementioned Homer Marathon.

Sigh.

Sometimes being a grown-up isn't as much fun as it sounds. Maybe I can read the Illiad to Aiden...